The disconnect between
a) wanting more than anything to transition from being a writer privately, sporadically, to being a writer consistently, publicly
b) never ever ever being in the mood to write anymore, only being in the mood to
c) write things down... when ideas occur to me and I don't want to forget them... a few times a week? More if I am drinking more coffee?
invites a closer analysis. From me. If you say you want to be healthy but eat only fried foods, if you say you want a better job but don't make a resume, if you say you want to date but don't make eye contact with men...
I'll tell you that what you say you want / what you want to want IS DIFFERENT FROM what you really, really, really want.
Or else it's just fear getting in the way. Those seem to be the two most likely explanations.
Maybe I will keep a journal where every morning I ask myself what I really, really, really want and answer myself. Maybe in the same journal I will write down one thing that made me happy each day, every evening. And maybe compiling the two types of evidence will make two things clearer:
1. The reason for the disconnect between what I say I want and what I spend time doing;
2. What and where my next job should be.
Monday, January 4, 2010
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