Fitting for Easter: Death of a dream before it comes true

You must experience the death of a dream before it comes true. Tasha told me this when we were in college together – she was right.

I decided I wasn’t a good writer my senior year of college… just before I got a piece published in Newsweek’s Budget Travel.

Joe and I nearly broke up after a series of miscommunications… just two months before he traveled home with me for Christmas and had the talk with my dad.

I gave up on buying a home two weeks ago… last night we made an offer on a condo.

This pattern repeats and repeats in my life. In a small way, it repeats yearly with the seasons. I nearly lose all hope in frozen February and part of March, then the sun comes out. Then the buds blossom. Everything seems hopeful.

I was beginning to wonder – no, scratch that. I believed I might not ever get a job in journalism or filmmaking. I love writing. I love filming and editing film. But both fields seem so bleak – opportunities are slim.

Then a cinematographer came to class. I asked how a young filmmaker could get started, and he spent a good three minutes maintaining direct eye contact with me and saying what a great opportunity exists for a female filmmaker – there are so few, and there is demand. The intensity of his gaze shook me: it’s possible!

A week later, applying for every interesting job I could find, I had another vote of confidence. I emailed a professor in my Master’s program who teaches “Zen of Religion Writing” about my application to Religion & Ethics Newsweekly, a public television weekly news show. The professor just so happened to have several of connections on the show – he used to be a correspondent, and he was willing to put in a good word. The catch: he didn’t know me. The compromise: he asked for the emails of professors in the program who did know me.

The next day, I answered my cell phone at NBC to hear the professor’s voice. “I’m mad at you,” he said.

“You’re mad at me?”

“Not really,” he said. “But I heard back from your professors, and I’m wondering why I haven’t seen you in any of my classes?”

I’m sure I blushed. After feeling so down, after questioning my ability to write, after feeling like a failure at the real world (I’m great at being a student), it turns out my professors said great things about me, and they were willing to step out to put in a good word. So much better than a report card.

Tonight I watched Julie & Julia. I related so much to both characters, especially at the beginning of the journey – both restlessly waiting for the inspiration that would express their passion to achieve and create. Supportive husbands prodding along ideas that seem unachievable at times. Julie wondering if anyone would ever read her blog; Julia begging to take her culinary exam. And each dream died – Julia had to leave Paris, and her cookbook got rejected twice. Julie lost her chance to woo a food writer/publisher, had multiple breakdowns and pushed her husband away (temporarily!).

But the end was hopeful. Julia Child is a household name even now, and Julie turned her blog into a book that was made into a movie.

I have an incredibly supportive husband; I have that restless desire to create, to achieve. Here’s hoping my happily-ever-after is as satisfying.