The Summer of '10

I have all the photos picked & cut out for my quilt project, which you see in the post below. I feel so happy. Any step toward completion is a mini-surprise. Like, 'Oh, you're still going on this? Good for you!' 'Still haven't lost interest? Huh. Cool, that's great.' I will post another in-progress picture when I paste them on the board... God willing.

Oh, right, so I got this last batch of 7 B&W pictures of women artists (or subjects of artists) from a publication of the UC Berkeley Art Museum. [There was this wild video exhibit there I highly recommend. Weird. Like watching a train wreck right itself, kind of.] And so I got this publication and it's printed on that great better-&-thicker-than-newsprint kind of paper that I love to touch, cut & paste.

I can appreciate that my projects require the sort of surprise!found objects that take time to aquire. Decorating my bedroom was like that. So many small purchases so few and far between. And I LOVE the results! Now when I look at this motivational quilt (so much better than a motivational speech, I say) I will always think back to my great day wandering Berkeley in the summer of '10.

Alone with a quilt

I've been listening to Fresh Air podcasts by Terri Gross (who annoys me to no end... but somehow hosts her own show and attracts creative people at the top of their career to come talk to her).  I'm collecting all the creative energy I can, and embarking on phase 2 of my quilt of creative inspiration. the 2 women in the photos I have pasted on & painted over are featured artists at the Smithsonian Hirshhorn sculpture gallery. They belong here. I'll be using mostly wise phrases from that epically long post Erin put up long ago. "Oblique Strategies." Aren't obliques the muscles on the side of your abs? Hmmm... Anyway. I've been overwhelmed lately with the number of projects I have in the refrigerator, and worrying they will spoil, and out of angst eating out all the time instead (i.e. watching TV, hanging out with peeps, taking 2 hours to book a fucking flight). So, after listening to gross Gross interview the Oscar nominated directors of 2010, a film critic fresh out of Cannes 2010, and the creators of The Wire & Treme, I decided to take 1 step forward on this project. I suppose in finished form it's intended to inject life into future projects with its written words' warmth & wit & with the accomplished faces peering kindly out. An invitation, ultimately, hanging on my wall. That's the idea.

Also, this is my first night living alone. (Another roommate bites the dust.) If only I could afford $1300/mo on my own, I'd probably remain. There is a lot of peace in this place when the only sounds are my thoughts. But alas solitude costs more than I make... So I'll probably move out Aug. 1. But until then, I hope to milk the solace for all it's little teets are worth.

My IEP

Ok, I tried the blackboard checklist (only one item to start with, so more like a sign than checklist), per Erin's whiteboard example. & for 1) It was nice to get my old notes down! Felt like a Procrasti-killing act. & for 2) I actually did it. (Sorted my laundry after 2 months of Procrasti, and ultimately resorting to bathing suit bottoms for undies.) & for 3) It's nice to have a conversation with myself that way. (I wrote coaxing words on the sign. & instead of a check mark, I wrote Thank You India for some reason.) I've been trying to have frequenter intimate exchanges with myself- extending kindness instead of always the hustle & bustle business relationship. -Did you do the dishes? -No, I didn't have time... -Fine. I'll do them. (That's the stuff of a bad marriage. And I want to embody LOVE. Within. And spilling out.) I even had a date with myselves in the park today. We had a good talk. So, point being, Blackboard Phase 1 a success. I think I'll keep the items under 3 for now, though. Like an IEP. (An Independent Learning Plan is what the special kids get, y'know.) We'll see how that comes and goes.

Dreaming or Doing, That is the Question

The land of make-believe will always keep me from waking up early to "Get Stuff Done." Why would I close the door to dreams when I don't have a gun pointed to my head? This morning I went to a party in a huge basement covered in tin foil, that had six bands on six stages & they would take turns playing. I hung out with my family in Loomis, and my brother Eames talked in a Gabriel Byrne accent the whole time. I kissed my boyfriend in Vegas (not like a wedding chapel, haha, just a slot machine bank). 


How is that less important that separating my laundry so that on sunday I can paint instead of doing laundry?? Dreaming is the stuff of painting! I'm thinking of never doing laundry again. Sending it out instead. I'm not even kidding. I'm going to check prices today. Two months of avoidance is enough. I'm taking control of my life by Sleeping In and Paying People to Do Things For Me.

Moving

I put up two white boards in my bedroom. One has long-term goals on it, and is big. The other has daily tasks on it, and is half the size.

I haven't altered the long-term goals one in a while, although I should - some of them have changed, and I think some of them could be more specific. I think I will do that right as soon as I publish this post.

I have not been clearing the daily tasks board daily, so maybe it is a weekly tasks board. If I sit up in bed, it hangs on the wall opposite me. I think having Must Dos hit me in the eye every time I get out of bed has helped me keep cognizant of what steps I need to take to get where I need to be.

I am researching graduate schools. Right now on the top of my list are Syracuse and Unviersity of Oklahoma, although I must admit the tornados yesterday kind of knocked OK down a little. A lot. (Why is it that none of the Craigslist rental ads assure me that I will have a basement or cellar? Shouldn't that be standard in Norman, Oklahoma, which is right in Tornado Alley? Doing a keyword search of those terms yields nothing. Crazy? Crazy.)

I am beginning to study for the GRE with Kaplan's guide, which is conversational and talks to me the way I like to be talked to: dirty. Haha, jk. It talks to me sensibly and tells me the math will not be a problem as long as I fully understand the critical reasoning behind the four or five basic types of math problems that appear on the test, and that that is totes doable. Thank you, Kaplan. I love you.

What else? I am wearing a pretty dress to work tomorrow. I shaved my legs in preparation (twice in one week, what has come over me?!). I am going to apply to a few more jobs right now. I just paid off two small remainders on credit cards. Peace, peace, peace of mind.

At work today I had little to do so I wrote a paragraph of ideas for the novel. The novel about two girls who are friends. Lately I have been writing about this band they are in and the songs they sing/yell. (Noise rock electronica experiemental band, of course.) Actually lately the theme is pulling itself toward an identity of: being about how: the protag wants to be an artist - a writer, a musician, a painter, a conceptual artist - but nothing ever quite materializes. I want the reader to want to strangle her for not making anything truly happen, always being full of ideas and not any realization of them. SOUND FAMILIAR??

That's my update. Ciao!

Photo Display in May

Today my main administrative task at the International Services Office was to create a photo display to use at an ISO Graduation Reception, and after adorn the blah walls of the ISO. This was the perfect gateway into Artsy Fartsy May! I scoured the photo archives for quality large and small group photos (Halloween Party, Apple Picking, Cherry Blossom Festival, Easter Egg Dying...), printed the ten best shots on 8.5"x11" glossy paper using Kodak photo ink, matted them on 11"x14" black spongey boards, and got 10 black business card holders at Staples to stand them up. The end result was stunning, if I do say so. AND I stayed under budget! Later this week I'll post a picture of the display, so you can decide for yourself if I have a future as an art gallerista...

who knows where the wind blows

i finished my last assignment today & decided to take the rest of may to avoid cerebral activities. like trying to fix up essays for submission for publication.

painting the quote quilt for the living room is acceptable. dance classes, ok. exploring the city, great. maybe even turning that into a dating in dc on a dime blog, fine.  toying with a screenplay synopsis, fun.

just nothing academic. only things with soul and beauty and mess. projects that make my heart flutter & my thoughts dance. jazz, not bach. this is my creative vacation. laaaaaa!!!!!!!

When I was a kid...

I once told my grandparents I was going to go write in my diarrhea. 

That is about all I can manage to get myself back on this blog.  I miss you lovies!

Job Hunting Tips

My professor kicks ass.

He's this charicature of an old-school investigative reporter - I mean, he literally digs through financial disclosure forms from Members of Congress to see where there being sketchy. He called out the Ethics Committee for circumventing the law (by accident) on an instruction form. He actually makes things happen with his articles.

Every time I talk to him, I feel like getting a job is POSSIBLE. His perspective on the hunt is like something out of those movies where the main character knows she'll get a job where she wants... and (after hard work) she gets one. Then ends up running the place.

I want to be that main character.

Here are some tips I gathered from him:

- You are looking for the answer to one question: WHO HAS MY JOB?
- Be persistent. (but not stalkerish)

Cover Letters
- Don't give a BS I'm-selling-myself shpeal. They can tell.
- Put heart into cover letters, think of it as a LETTER to someone
- STRONG WRITING.
- Tell a story; your story. This is who I am, these have been my strengths, this is why I'm interested in you, this is why we might be friends...
- Write something they'll remember, not "I am a team player" BS.
- DO NOT use a form letter you send to everyone; write each letter from scratch
- Ask questions in the letter; you're inquiring; you want to learn more
- Tell them you'll follow up with a phone call in a week... then DO IT.

i drove all niiiiiight to get to you, is that alriiiiiight?

i know i'm gonna pay for it, but it sure feels good to get to the end of a project and kinda like the result. all i need to complete now is a conclusion & bring up all the things my paper failed to cover. "what would jesus internationalize?" pshaw. i'm so gimmicky. it's how i bring my teenage girl spunk into academia, though. there's no avoiding it.

k, after writing for 15 hrs straight, im gonna take a nap before work. this day is gonna pull my hair out.

Crazy Stitch Por Vida

I slammed down four glass bottles of Starbucks frappucino this morning so that I'd get something accomplished. It worked - it scared off the sluggish tired foggy brain and stepped in there and handled shit. HANDLED IT. I wonder if that's how kids with ADD feel when they start taking Ritalin? Like, Wow, I can actually use my brain now! I wonder if I have ADD but probably more likely I have some kind of deficiency or allergy that I don't know about that's causing the symptoms of brain fog, difficulty focusing, sluggishness, etc. It's been like this for years and years and years and years and I've blamed it on Mono, Depression, Relationship Failure, Moral Failure...

That's one of the reasons I started this blog with gusto then abandoned it. For a little while after I escaped Relationship Failure I felt light and free and like I could fly all around like a little bird. But. I am back to feeling like an old smelly dog who's on his last leg. Which is how I've felt for... I don't even know how long now. Ug.

But anyway. My resume now looks snazzy and professional and like the person using it is a youngin who knows how to use a computer and has a sense of modern design. It's maybe a bit paragraphey but so am I. Also, are not text boxes the complete shizznit in Microsoft Word? There is absolutely no other way to communicate to that program how I want my documents to look without using them.

So. There's all that. I have been falling down a lot lately, metaphorically. I have fallen off the wagon of not procrastinating. I have yet to find the fortitude to go forth and pursue Life and Goals and not waste time. Or I have found it, but only in caffeine. I am disappointed in myself but not hopeless. So. I went back home to live in Procrasti (it's where all my stuff is!) but I am putting together the necessary paperwork to get my visa in order to get the hell out of here soon. I mean that on so many levels. It's lately become apparent to me that I need to live on my own to make my life what I want it to be, so I have been purely focused on that goal, which is... overwhelming, to say the least.

Actually though there were all these plastic bags from my work. Thick, glossy plastic that feels expensive, that you just know will linger around landfills for longer than you'll be alive and in your coffin put together. Any, any, any other employee would have thrown them the fuck away without thinking twice. But I saved them all in a box and secretly put them in the trunk of my car. I am planning on cutting them all open so they're flat, then sewing them together into a giant plastic quilt-thing with white thread, then getting red and black thread and sewing on a message about the environment. Either a famous poignant environment quote (Whitman?) or a statistic about how long it takes plastic to biodegrade, or both, or something I word myself... and then probably I will sew in a picture of a tree in brown and green thread and a bird in blue and orange thread. To be clear, I don't know how to sew except that you put the needle in and out of the fabric. I mean, I have sewed things, but they were crazy-stiched, illegally, without Proper Home Ec Knowledge. But that will just make my giant plastic environment quilt look EVEN COOLER.

So I've got that project in my mind. In my mind, in my mind. Now if I can just get it out through my hands...

when to be at the whim

i need a violently structured and detailed outline to feel safe beginning an essay. but i can't for the life of my respect its authority. it can be perfect & brilliant, but i every time i deviate entirely and write in free-flow. i rush in like a city planner- then do a quickchange and am flannery o'conner, clueless of her story's end as she begins it!

i WANT to obey the roman numerals and 1's, 2's 3's but am so stream of consciousness. this is just another manifestation of the Great Big Dichotomy i am. dual nature, yin yang, wah wah wah wah. i'm gonna keep writing now, but figured this reflection belonged on the blog about creative process.

procrasti no more, but i want to be a better citizen in this new land... build strong creative muscles and be less at the whim of my instincts! or at least choose WHEN to be at the whim.

Question of the DAY

;)

I couldn't resist. I like you guys. And it's so nice to escape to a safe space after churning out 8 pgs of research paper, dissolving into tears over it in the arms of a totally supportive boyfriend, and returning to it skeptical that is has anything of value to offer anyone.

So the Q is...

How do you get up in the morning? Is it difficult to face the day or thrilling? Do you have any tricks or routines?

I anticipate a struggle tomorrow morning, the goal of 8 more hours of input looming. Generally, during the snooze butt routine, I cycle through conversations with myself until I find one that compels me to climb out of bed and into the shower. It could be as simple as promising a homemade cheese waffle, or getting to wear a new scarf, or remembering a new episode of 30Rock would be available.

Other times (like this morning) I can't stay under the covers another minute - the muse is calling. I have to hurry to jot down what she is offering me, before is vanishes. And HOTDAMN how fast her shadow passes. Sometimes, once I finally get a pen in my hand, I sit and sit and sit and KNOW I had it just a second ago, but can't for the life of me find it now! The sudden answer, sentence, name of a source. I'm getting quicker though. It's the only way.

The silliest trick I've ever used to make morning productive was to hide a Hershey's kiss under my pillow & eat it when my alarm went off. That is literally the only way I could face 430am with my tennis shoes for a pre-work power walk. Who does that?

Question of the Week!

What sort of indiosyncratic demands does your muse make, before it will open up your creative floodgates?

My hair must be pulled up tight in a bun atop my head (what WOULD I do if I cut it short??). A robust caffeinated drink must be flowing through my passageways. All my materials must be nearby. I must have at least a 5hr block of time. Earplugs might be resorted to, even in a silent room. I MUST work in a vacuum. A humble prayerful sigh must be sent to the muse, as I am entirely at her mercy, it seems. (Elizabeth Gilbert might disagree.) And I must be wearing verrry tight spandex clothes from decollete to ankles. A blanket is nice. Time. The plate glass time window is most important. And absolutely no interruptions can threaten to peek in on my intellectual nakedness. Partial nudity means partial brilliance.

Hmmm... I like to think of this as a conversation with Anais. I feel like it's a conversation she must have shared with many a neurotic artiste.

I miss this blog :(

Boo.

Plastic Surgery Smile

Each paragraph header on my outline is like a huge bucket of brightly colored paint I get to jump into and swim around in until I'm an unrecognizable mess!

This is about to get fun!

i hate a paper as i'm putting clay onto its frame. i want to smooth and shape features into the clay, bake it and paint it. 


pressing soft flesh into the bony skeleton is so tedious. like clipping nails. or mopping floors. or watching commercials.


yawn.

Pre-Writing

Day 2 of hibernation w/ research paper.

1. I took that 10 min walk Mallie reminded me would energize.
2. Pickedup a large coffee @ Jacob's on the way home.
3. Ate a tuna pita melt to give me loads of brainpower.
4. I'm setting my alarm for 1am, so I know when to call it a day.

Let the games begin.

When A Blog Proposal Turns into A Quantitative Research Project, per your professor's suggestion...

I'm hoping to get a renewed visa today. I'm looking at 10pgs of Excel Spreadsheeted Data, finding gaps in my collection methodology that might prevent me from answering my research Q's, oh yeah - deciding what ARE my research Q's, selecting descriptive statistics analyses to perform on the data this Monday, writing an intro/lit review section & the data collection methodology section, and getting started on Works Cited mayyybe.

Wow, this is scintillating, no? Can I redeem myself from all that mumbo jumbo? I feel like it helps me to track my efforts on here. But wow it's sure beige.

On a side note, when I looked at my alarm clock this morning, I crowed, "Let the War of 812 BEGINNN!" I thought THAT was funny.

:)

I hope you dears are finding a little time to juice your creative fruits this lovely weekend! (In a way that's more sexy than data analysis...)

Namaste.

Prayers = answered

This morning as I woke up, I prayed for 2 things:

1. The seller for the condo we want would agree to our counter offer to THEIR counter offer and we'd be on track to be homeowners
2. Two promising interviews

Around 11am, I got an email from our realtor saying CONGRATULATIONS!! They agreed to our counter.

My fellow NBC News Channel intern and I did our standups (i.e. we stood in a studio and read the part of our news scripts that calls for the reporter in front of the camera) for the news packages we're putting together.

When we were done, I returned to my desk to see an email saying I GOT the video internship I interviewed for... and a voicemail asking for an interview for the public affairs internship I'd applied for. (possible to do both part time)

Wow.

God answers prayer - did you know?

State-Dependent Writers

So I'm like in the zone. Been doing quantitative research every waking moment for the last 3 days. The question of What Will I do with the Data Once it's All Collected haunts me, but I will face that challenge once I've finished assessing the internationalization of all 100 CCCU Christian Colleges in the U.S. Think I'll be sitting at the feet of the SPSS guy at the School of Education. Trying to make sense of numbers.

My stomach is pissed so I can't even drink coffee to keep me going. So I've turned to sugar. Which sucks cuz I crash right quick. Maybe I'll turn to Green Tea like Erin & hope my tummy shows hospitality to the smaller dose of caffeine.

The event that kicked me into high gear was this: On Saturday I presented my former research paper at another academic conference & the director of the International Education Center @ George Mason University asked if they could publish my paper as a chapter in a book she is currently compiling. Her insistence that they have been looking for something exactly like what I had presented was one of Those Moments. I felt like I was dreaming. Trying not to get my hopes up, but the positive feedback fueled me to take this semester's research up a notch. I want it to be as good or better. Oh stomach, why won't you let me drink lattes? I would be so much smarter in my state-dependent writing mode...

Fitting for Easter: Death of a dream before it comes true

You must experience the death of a dream before it comes true. Tasha told me this when we were in college together – she was right.

I decided I wasn’t a good writer my senior year of college… just before I got a piece published in Newsweek’s Budget Travel.

Joe and I nearly broke up after a series of miscommunications… just two months before he traveled home with me for Christmas and had the talk with my dad.

I gave up on buying a home two weeks ago… last night we made an offer on a condo.

This pattern repeats and repeats in my life. In a small way, it repeats yearly with the seasons. I nearly lose all hope in frozen February and part of March, then the sun comes out. Then the buds blossom. Everything seems hopeful.

I was beginning to wonder – no, scratch that. I believed I might not ever get a job in journalism or filmmaking. I love writing. I love filming and editing film. But both fields seem so bleak – opportunities are slim.

Then a cinematographer came to class. I asked how a young filmmaker could get started, and he spent a good three minutes maintaining direct eye contact with me and saying what a great opportunity exists for a female filmmaker – there are so few, and there is demand. The intensity of his gaze shook me: it’s possible!

A week later, applying for every interesting job I could find, I had another vote of confidence. I emailed a professor in my Master’s program who teaches “Zen of Religion Writing” about my application to Religion & Ethics Newsweekly, a public television weekly news show. The professor just so happened to have several of connections on the show – he used to be a correspondent, and he was willing to put in a good word. The catch: he didn’t know me. The compromise: he asked for the emails of professors in the program who did know me.

The next day, I answered my cell phone at NBC to hear the professor’s voice. “I’m mad at you,” he said.

“You’re mad at me?”

“Not really,” he said. “But I heard back from your professors, and I’m wondering why I haven’t seen you in any of my classes?”

I’m sure I blushed. After feeling so down, after questioning my ability to write, after feeling like a failure at the real world (I’m great at being a student), it turns out my professors said great things about me, and they were willing to step out to put in a good word. So much better than a report card.

Tonight I watched Julie & Julia. I related so much to both characters, especially at the beginning of the journey – both restlessly waiting for the inspiration that would express their passion to achieve and create. Supportive husbands prodding along ideas that seem unachievable at times. Julie wondering if anyone would ever read her blog; Julia begging to take her culinary exam. And each dream died – Julia had to leave Paris, and her cookbook got rejected twice. Julie lost her chance to woo a food writer/publisher, had multiple breakdowns and pushed her husband away (temporarily!).

But the end was hopeful. Julia Child is a household name even now, and Julie turned her blog into a book that was made into a movie.

I have an incredibly supportive husband; I have that restless desire to create, to achieve. Here’s hoping my happily-ever-after is as satisfying.

Recap on Nicole & Mallie in March

I had a dream someone posted on this blog. Haha.

So I will post for Nicole & Mallie...

Mallie's professors said THIS about her as she applies for an associate producer position:

   * "Mallie is great.  Organized, engaged, enthusiastic, thoughtful, motivated. Top student. Highly recommend."

   * ".... One of my best students. Her work is consistently professional and on time... Done good reporting legwork for her stories... Good writer... Dedicated, hard worker, collegial... Contributes insightful comments to class discussions... Responds well to feedback from me and classmates.... A thoughtful person, who probes beyond the obvious."

    * "... Delightful...always pleasant, very hard working, success driven and a team player who also takes initiative on her own.  As a video producer, she is naturally skilled and has shown tremendous growth and a real innate understanding of the crafts involved in preproduction, production and post production. She sent me a YouTube link to her recent video work that was really terrific... I thought enough of Mallie to help her get a recent internship at NBC News, where I worked for the past 27 years until retiring in December."

All her hard work & writing finesse are paying off!

Nicole seems to be pursuing lots of photography workshops and group shoots with rockin models. Loving the new skills you are practicing!

I will be presenting my research @ the GWU Int'l Ed Conference this weekend, and am making much progress on my proposed Blog research for class. Not enough, but much. =) The assignment gives me butterflies, so I am putting off all other projects & may pay the consequences. But creative energy trumps A's.

Erin is the mystery child. I have no clue what you are up to! Do tell! AND share your thoughts on Sutro Baths with me!

Making Mole Hills Out of Mountains

Ok, so my lent abstention from Facebook has really just turned into a lent abstention from abusing facebook. And it's been really healthy. I think it's even more valuable for me to practice balance than extreme sacrifice. Because balance can be maintained. Now I'd like to impose a limit on TV to one episode a day. But I'm too chicken. I can't find it in me.

Do I need to? I think I might need to? I have such a mountain of research to get through this week so I can distill all the information in the world into a meaningful outline of a Blog. A blog about Christian higher ed. And international education. And the shift from missionary modernists to missional postmodernists - from telling the four spiritual laws to tackling the four global burdens: AIDS, environmental degredation, poverty, and human rights abuses. A blog about Christian schools stuck in the 20th century and Christian schools modeling an internationalization of curriculum, staff, programming and ethos fit for the 21st century. A blog that challenges higher ed leaders to consider the uniquely Christian rationale to engage in internationalization, and to actively nurture critical global citizenship in their student bodies.

Ok, that was helpful. To list out what this blog is going to be about. Because it sure gets furry in my mind when I'm in the library scanning the shelves with wide eyes and a hungry mind. Hungry. Oooh, yeah, haven't had dinner yet! Ooops! Time flies when your... thinking hard.

Lovies to my lovely creative friendseseses!

Procrasti will NOT get me down.

Here's to the soy mocha and buzzing coffee-shop atmosphere
Here's to 3 cover letters I need to write. Scratch that.
Here's to 3 cover letter I WILL write.
Here's to my article I WILL make GREAT progress on today.

Somehow I accidentally opened this blog on my phone, so when I sat down at a table in Peregrine Espresso, I checked my phone and saw it. Well, I saw Tasha's slug post, to be exact. I giggled.

I thought: here's my pep talk! I'll check on my writing community!

Ok, I really need to draw from the energy here in the ether and away from Procrasti. I need to get through my work. No. Bask in my work, enjoy writing. I want to write, right? Yes. Ok.

Here's to you three. I think the very existence of this blog will help me get to it.

I'll let you know.

I'll start with the article.

Peace.

slow & slimy.

i am a slug.

because i knew you guys would laugh,

but was not too sure about my regular blog readers...

Forehead Tittaes w/ Marion Cotillard from Marion Cotillard

San Francisco History + Martin Scorcese

Thinking about taking the summer off from school (I'll be working full time), & researching Sutro Baths & Adolph Sutro so Eames & I can start our screenplay. I know this is a totally random tangent, but it is like a fire burning within me. The story and the setting consume me with inspiration.

Can't. Move. My. Neck.

must stay signed out of facebook today. feel like atreyu's horse sinking to death in the never ending story swap. "artaxxxxx!" (wink @ erin for the x's) (wink at mallie for the NES reference) (wink at nicole so she doesn't feel left out) (wink at myself and finally realize what an idiot i'm being)

i wore a heavy backpack yesterday. fine. today, walking around my apt, getting ready for midday hulu yoga, i glanced @ the vicadin and considered how many months its been since i popped one. so many. then. within five min, my left neck seizes up and i cant turn my head. i do a few easy standing yoga poses in my living room anyway. in denial. then i ice for a little. go for a walk around the block. drink a cup of coffee @ jacob's on the corner. and now i'm icing again, terrified i'm gonna have to resort to a muscle relaxer which will completely decapitate my day. my aiming to be productive independent work day. eff. (i don't even know how to spell independent. that is suggestive i think.)

so i'm announcing my dilemma, hoping that the positive energy from (where do we even live now, since procrasti is in the past?)... here... will give me the will to truck on through the pain & narcotize later.

Walking is better than caffeine

I just returned to NBC News Channel after a stakeout at Rep. Massa's office (just announced his retirement today). We chased him down the hall and our cameraman hit a wall - oops! Ha.

Anyway, afterward, I had to get the tape back to our bureau STAT so we could feed it to our New York affiliate. So, I speed walked around the Capitol building feeling like Charlie with a golden ticket.

Instead of getting into a chocolate factory, though, my golden ticket got me appreciation from our assignment desk who immediately fed the tape.

All this to say: my feet are jittering, I'm sitting up straight. It's like I had a coffee! Tasha's theory was RIGHT. I'm going to walk instead of drink coffee from now on.

My List

I apologize for my recent absence from the blog, but don't fear - I wasn't dragged back to Procrasti! Quite the opposite. I've been extremely busy making a film, interviewing people for articles and interning! I went to a congressional hearing (and watched lots of others) and wrote a few TV scripts - including one that was sent out for anchors to read nationwide (not sure if any did... but, hey, it was about Madam Tussaud's wax presidents, so not like vital news). Anyway, even though I've been MIA, the very existence of this little writing community has been so encouraging!!!!! Ok, here's my list.

20 (101 is too much for me!) Goals in 1001 Days

1. Finish my Master’s Degree
2. Publish a feature article
3. Make a documentary about my husband’s grandparents’ epic journey to escape North Korea right when the country split in half.
4. Finish at least 2 news packages for my NBC internship
5. Intern or work at NPR
6. Get a job I really like – preferably writing, filming or editing writing or film – that builds toward a career I’ll love
7. Buy a 2+-bedroom home wisely (i.e. monthly payment not too much of a stretch)
8. ……Maybe… have a baby… (hey, 1001 days and I’m 30!)
9. Go to a Supreme Court hearing for fun
10. Go to the Library of Congress
11. Ride my bike from DC to Mount Vernon (George Washington’s estate) with Joe
12. Go backpacking with Joe at least twice
13. Camp near the beach at Assateague (National Park w/ wild ponies)
14. Revise my young-adult novel The Doorway
15. Send The Doorway initially to at least 5 publishers once finished
16. Send The Doorway to 1 new publisher a month for six months thereafter
17. Travel in France with Joe
18. Get a video camera to make films for fun
19. Get Final Cut and other necessary hardware/software to make films for fun
20. Go to North Carolina’s Outer Banks (I MISS THE BEACH!)

Nin On Not Aspiring to a Coma

1... And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. 


2... Dreams pass into the reality of action. From the actions stems the dream again; and this interdependence produces the highest form of living. 


3... Good things happen to those who hustle. 


4... Life is a process of becoming, a combination of states we have to go through. Where people fail is that they wish to elect a state and remain in it. This is a kind of death. 


5... Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage. 


6... Living never wore one out so much as the effort not to live.


7... There is not one big cosmic meaning for all, there is only the meaning we each give to our life, an individual meaning, an individual plot, like an individual novel, a book for each person. 


8... Throw your dreams into space like a kite, and you do not know what it will bring back, a new life, a new friend, a new love, a new country. 


9... When you make a world tolerable for yourself, you make a world tolerable for others. 


10... I am an excitable person who only understands life lyrically, musically, in whom feelings are much stronger as reason. I am so thirsty for the marvelous that only the marvelous has power over me. Anything I cannot transform into something marvelous, I let go. Reality doesn't impress me. I only believe in intoxication, in ecstasy, and when ordinary life shackles me, I escape, one way or another. No more walls.

Sex Between The Lines

Hmmm... Ok, going along with this week's theme of list making and full living, I like the idea of having the long-term lists you both speak of - but then being flexible enough to flirt with the list and discover which task you want to take you home that night / weekend / etc. We all know how it feels to be inspired & "taken" by an idea, and -while it's immensely helpful to organize our hopes & dreams in a list- I deeply feel that ACTUALIZING those dreams should involve desire and creative energy (whenever possible, of course) and not just a sense of duty to our future selves.

[Must take this moment to apologize for all the innuendos that are creeping into my sentences today. Can't. Help. Myself. Lusty virgin that I am, the full moon pulling on my desires.]

Erin, I am so energized by your experience organizing the art show & feeling the pay off. It's like, duh. Of course that would be gratifying. But, who has the time? But WHO regrets it once they sacrifice whatever mudane rituals that are wasting us away, and MAKE time? No one! Like, could you possibly wish, "If only I had surfed facebook albums or re-read that novel a 7th time instead of making a piece of art"? Can't imagine that scenario ever playing out. My experience @ this academic conference was similar. I put SO much time & mental exertion into the research & presentations, but was so un-believeably rewarded. Is there anything sweeter to hear than, "We've never seen anyone approach the topic that way before, and it is so desperately needed in our education system today." ? Not for me. For many people, yes. But this was a moment of ecstasy for me.

Ecstasy followed by sheer dread that maybe. Just maybe. I can accomplish anything I put my heart & mind to. That's terrifying. So you're saying I could... Yes. And I could even... Yes. That means all my wasting away truly IS sabotaging something grand. It's easier when sloth poses itself as my lot, rather than my crime.

I feel panicky over the idea of making a list just now. But yours (Erin on Watergallop & Nicole here) are like oxygen to me. When the stress of the last two weeks release their grip on my breathing muscles, I plan to join you. For now, carry on in the spirit of escape! Escaping gravity & poverty of spirit!

Right now, maybe more than ever, I feel the pleasure of Anais Nin on our group. Can she please be our patron saint? =-)

A thought I had while waiting for 200 photocopies in the copy room today staring into space

Maybe the reason that to-do lists have never helped me accomplish things is that I write them with such a grand, sweeping scope. 

Because I have not been in the habit of keeping a regularly updated list of long and short term goals, along with daily tasks to accomplish them, when I set out to make a to-do list I mix together things that will take me years with things I really need to get done by next week.  And then when I read it over it looks incredibly daunting so I go lie down with a novel I've read six times before. 

So here's a shockingly obvious idea: I should keep updated lists of long, medium and short term goals... and I should break each one down into weekly tasks that are undaunting, exciting or at least do-able.  Tasks that are covered by the instruction I've got on my wall "Don't avoid what is easy."  (And I haven't forgotten about making Oblique Strategy paintings for uds!  Don't worry!  I'm getting them shipped from Procrasti shortly!)

This all seems really rigid and structured to me, but I see it as necessary if I want to become someone who regularly gets things done.  The art show I helped organize with its documentary screening and discussion, and people asking me all about my painting and listening interestedly in my answers... that was so rewarding.  I loved it.  It brought home the idea that changing the way I've been living is worth it.

I think this post ties into Nicole's latest.  I love the idea of 101 goals.  I think without even trying I will hammer out at least 60 of them. 

But so... do y'all have any suggestions for breaking down large and medium and small goals into smaller tasks?  Ideally I would like to make a schedule of small tasks to follow.  Maybe I could draw one up every Friday?  Or Thursday?  I don't want to waste any of Sunday doing it.  Maybe Thursday would be good because it's nearly the weekend but not an evening when I'm usually social.

But so how do I pick which goals to work on which weeks?  I think it would be good to break them into categories: like writing, visual art, finance, employment, healthy living, etc.  And then to rotate which art categories get worked on each week so I stay interested.  And to keep important ones like finance in my task schedule every week.

Hmm.  Hmm, hmm.  Thoughts?

A Good Idea, per Tasha's Request

I told Tasha about a project I am working on for my blog.  It's called 101 in 1001 and the idea is to list 101 things you want to accomplish in the next 1001 days.  My problem is that I only want to accomplish uninteresting-and-should-be-done-already-anyway type things (cleaning my car, organizing the closet, etc.)

So...  I think this could be a good project for all of us to do.  After all list are good things for refugees of Procrasti to have, right?  Plus, you are all cool fun girls so I can be inspired by your lists and hopefully complete mine!

Here are the official instructions and my list so far.

The Mission:

Complete 101 preset tasks in a period of 1001 days.

The Criteria:
Tasks must be specific (ie. no ambiguity in the wording) with a result that is either measurable or clearly defined. Tasks must also be realistic and stretching (ie. represent some amount of work on my part).

Why 1001 Days?
Many people have created lists in the past - frequently simple goals such as New Year's resolutions. The key to beating procrastination is to set a deadline that is realistic. 1001 Days (about 2.75 years) is a better period of time than a year, because it allows you several seasons to complete the tasks, which is better for organizing and timing some tasks such as overseas trips or outdoor activities.

1. Open an etsy store

2. Go to Idaho

3. Lose 100 pounds

4. Be featured on a wedding blog

5. Blog everyday for a month

6. Go to the beach everyday for a month

7. Learn to play the blues harmonica

8. Get photos of myself taken by Jasmine Star

9. Attend WPPI in Las Vegas, NV

10. Write a letter to myself to open at the end of 1001 days

11. Go on a road trip

12. Finish decorating my room

13. Go to a Jose Villa Workshop

14. Do a photo shoot in film

15. Develop all of the old film I found when I moved

16. Go on a missions trip

17. Get a video camera and make cool movies

18. Take a photo walk around San Clemente

19. Go squid fishing

20. Do a bridal shoot at Salton Sea

21. Record video of my dad telling stories

22. Go Kite Surfing

23. Put $10,000 into a savings account
 
24. Finish a journal full of stories from my childhood

Good Night, Moon

Ok. So I won that award for Best Masters Level Research Paper. Right?

Well, today (@ the conference where I presented that paper) I also participated in a Case Study Analysis Competition... and won 1st place. My partner & my 30-minute presentation beat out 8 GWU doctoral students who specialized in the topic being addressed in the Case Study. No stinkin' way. I am flabbergasted. This day was such a dream. Being an overachiever has great rewards. I am never going back to Procrasti. This seals it.

Did I mention I won an iPod & a $50 Starbucks card & a $200 3-piece black suit from Express? (I mean, the last 2 prizes were donated by my proud relatives, but still.)

Thank you for being the wind beneath my wings, compatriots.

Thank you for inspiring me to reach for the next rung on the ladder.

Good night, metaphor.

Forging Habits

http://habitforge.com/

Maybe this is something any refugee from procrasti should sign up for.

LOSS

I feel like barfing.  I drank 2 much red wine.

I don't know how to attain motivation/discipline apart from caffeine.  Thoughts?  Maybe an intravenous Ralph Waldo Emerson drip.  Otherwise I'm at a loss.

Doctor's Orders

Feeling sick presents a particular challenge to me. I immediately feel entitled to sulk & watch TV & avoid responsibility because... "I don't feel good." It actually feels like breaking a universal rule to do otherwise - like I'm gonna get sicker if I don't obey the instinct to relax.

This is tough because I need to write a 5pg paper by tonight. And unfortunately it usually takes me an hour a page to write something valid enough to share with a professor - which would add up to 5 HOURS. I'm a turtle. I'm feeling unwell tonight (from lack of sleep & over-socialization), but I NEED to write this paper. And in less than 5 hours, so I can hurry up and get to the sack. All I want to do is veg, but the "I don't feel good" clause doesn't apply when a deadline is imminent. Maybe just a nap?

How do you deal with getting work done when you feel unwell in your bones & muscles & nasal canals?

Shitty Day Good News

1. Congratulations, Natasha!

Your paper "Friends, Foes, or Frenemies: A Comparison of U.S.
Multiculturalism and the Internationalization of Education” was chosen
as the winner of the Sylvia Marotta Best Paper Award in the Masters
Research Paper category. I am including Dr. Marotta's contact
information. Please contact her directly to schedule a time when you
can review your paper prior to ESRI.  You will be presented the award
on Saturday of ESRI (formerly was Friday but we are changing this).

On behalf of Dr. Marotta, the Student Review Panel, and the ESRI
Leadership Team – congratulations!

Brittany

--
Brittany Maschal
Graduate Research Assistant
The George Washington University
Graduate School of Education and Human Development
bmaschal@gwu.edu




2. Professor's note on my Spring 2010 research proposal, Global Citizenship Education in the Christian University:


"Interesting and valuable project. Looking forward to this."


She's not sold on the idea of it being a blog, but I think I can make a convincing argument... We shall see. 


_______________________________________


This was all rewarding news to receive on a day I walked around my office, the DC sidewalks, and my apartment with a pinched expression on my face & bullets shooting from my eyes. A day full of Anger and Gratitude. I may have done the Miss America fanning myself like I was gonna cry, and I may have kicked everything I saw on the sidewalk as though it were a certain person's eye socket. I am nothing if I am not emotions.

In which everything converges

I talked to a friend from my Creative Writing undergrad program anoche.  He is applying for an MFA and has convinced me to pick the idea back up, blow the dust off it, and examine it for worth as a goal.  Goals such as that one motivate me to do what I want to do anyway.  In order to get into a graduate school, I'll want to publish some pieces by the time I apply.  I'll want to have a polished, sharp, articulate writing sample or two to submit for both fiction and nonfiction.  Both of those are things I want to do anyway... so now if I have the goal of MFA in mind, I can do them with purpose, intent, and most importantly, a DEADLINE.

He is only applying to places that have assistantships for all members of the program, which is a great idea.  The reason I sort of discarded the idea of graduate school was the expense and not wanting to go into a lifetime of debt for a Master's.  But there are programs where tuition is paid by you teaching undergrad English classes.  Holla!

I want to learn the harmonica.  (Just like Nicole, coincidentally!)  My mom just unearthed an old wooden one she had in a drawer that probably belonged to my bluegrass uncle.  It's in the key of G.  The other one I have, which is newer and plastic, is in the key of C.  That's exciting to me.  It's exciting that I live in 2010 and I can learn to play the harmonica for free on the internet.  Although I am still checking out library books about it because I am old school.

Allegedly if you play for 10min per day you will learn in a matter of weeks.  Allegedly there is no such thing as a genius who has not practiced her art many, many hours.  No brilliant writer who didn't need to practice to become brilliant. 

Tomorrow night I start a mixed martial arts self-defense class through the community center with my friend Marianne.  She and I have always wanted to take a self-defense class... so we are.  I have always wanted to learn to play the harmonica... so I am.  I have always wanted to be more into visual arts and painting... so I am.  I have always wanted to work at a National or State park... so I'm madly resumeying and finding openings to apply for.  I have always wanted to be a WRITER more than anything in the universe... so I am researching graduate schools and making lists of steps to take to get there.  I AM.

It's Ash Wednesday!  That's where it all converges.  I am going to make a schedule for myself that includes separate, measured time to put toward accomplishing all of my separate goals.  Harmonica, Visual Art, Forestry Work, Writing/MFA.  That's it.  No more drifting.  No more coming home and spending untold amounts of time, ungodly amounts of time, dicking around online.  I might take up yoga while I'm at it.  There's a studio uptown I can afford.  And another goal is to save for a used Subaru Legacy.

My life is going to be clay and I am going to be Demi Moore in Ghost. 

What I'm giving up for Lent: purposeless, unintentioned, drifty living.

They don't have McDonalds here?

Trying to write a query, trying to write a draft of an article, trying to care. But I don't. I have the Apathy infection. And God knows I suck as a writer when I don't care. Is this part of being mildly heartbroken? Or is my creative investing too diversified to actually find meaning in any one experience? Or did all this snow just make me lazy?


It's almost a curse to find so much enjoyment in the creative process, because THEN. When it doesn't feel good. I just want to quit. It's not what I signed up for. I'm such an unprofessional pleasure-seeker. 


But I can't let down the dude I'm writing for. And I have to turn the article into my prof no matter what. All I know to do is listen to the Facebook wisdom of my friend Jake Bowling. But I don't like it. 


"Many of the great achievements of the world were accomplished by tired and discouraged [people] who kept on working."


I'll add my aunt Heidi's recent status as well, but I loathe it even more.


"We don't have to want, let alone enjoy, what needs to be done."

Flirting with Borders

Ok, I'm reporting out of fear that I might be deported back to Procrasti if the authorities hear of all the fun I had this weekend (in spite of the list of homework assignments leering at me from the blackboard in my room - a blank slate that was initially meant meant to be scribbled with Bible verses and Emerson or Nin quotes).

I need to finish my One World Education profile today - whether or not it is "submittable" or just "turn into professorable." I have friends visiting from Asia Tues-Sun and I am interning 12 hours a day at a conference Sat-Wed. Then my cousin will be moving her furniture out & my new roommate will be moving in. This is incredibly time-consuming stuff, man.

But this weekend was so unbelievably fun and 1-of-a-kind, it's hard to regret my priorities. Today just needs to happen. I will report back at the end of it. Need accountability.

Time for coffee.

6pm. I'm giving up in the hope that I don't have to go into work tomorrow and can finish the piece tomorrow morning. If not, I deserve a spanking. If so, I've earned the beers I'm going to now go drink in Chinatown in honor of my sheer cunning.

Snowed In with Everything in the World to Do

Lunes

Hello ladies! Glow sticks in the darkness! Dixie cups in the drought! Snuggies in the cold!

I just hung up with my brother, so time to check in. ;) Turns out our friend's dad's factory cant make a sticker prototype, but he gave Eames the name of the process & advised him to google factories in the LA area who can do that. Eames also discovered the (free!) software we need to to start screenwriting together - it's called Teamviewer (http://www.teamviewer.com/index.aspx) ... So we will both have a document open on our remote computers, and as either one of us makes changes the other sees it. We are both tied up with other writing projects right now, but might start developing new scenes in a few weeks.

I submitted my research project proposal today (actually a BLOG (!) on Nurturing Global Citizenship in the Christian University). Not sure how my prof will like it - I hope she gives me a lot of feedback - but the pre-research has been very compelling. Not finding much @ GWU's library which means... I'm gonna become a regular @ the Library of CONGRESS!!! So excited to have an excuse finally! For another class I decided to design a cross-cultural training program for missionaries/aid workers going to Haiti from the U.S. According to Mallie, Haiti asked the U.S. to take over the rebuilding of their nation. Eek. I have felt ambivalent about the situation (I think because it is so overwhelming, I feel like there's nothing I can do), but I found a way to engage the issue that feels empowered rather than despairing.

My interview w/ the director of One World went great! He REALLY wants me to get an article about them published, and made me jittery about it for the rest of the day. I would love to work for them in the future. I think. He tried to talk me into interning w/ them after all... but I am juggling too much & offered to help as I can but not officially. Mallie reminded me I need to do some extra reporting before I can write the article (students/teachers/etc.). Ugh.

But right now, I am procrastinating a little, and need to write a paper before bed. So... off I go! Lovies & Huggies & Fist Pumps & Chest Bumps! Goodnight.

You may have noticed...

I have been MIA this week.  I missed my Tuesday update and here it is almost Tuesday again.  A gang of sleepers from the land of Procrasti followed me out, cornered me on the side of the road, drugged me and dragged me back into town.  I swear it was a trick!

A couple editorial notes are in order- I say "sleepers" because I dont know what else to say, not because I slept all week.  And someone gave me "The Dream Giver" by Bruce Wilkinson (I can already hear the collective groan) so I am forcing myself to read a cheesy allegory and thus writing a cheesy allegory.  I read books that people give me.

I have been a little discouraged this week.  I went to a bridal show last weekend and was really hoping to make some good connections with other professionals in the industry.  I emailed about 20 people whose cards I collected and only had 1 person respond.  I did get to meet with her though, so it will be totally worth it if I et even 1 wedding referral from her. 

I also learned from the bridal show that I have a good blog and website, and am a good photographer compared to some others.  I don't want to diss anyone, but it was good to see how far I have come because I am usually only looking at where I want to be.

I was stood up for a (free) photoshoot this week and am dissapointed with the lackluster response to my engagement shoot giveaway so I have been a bit discouraged.  I can't even GIVE my photography away!  WTF? 

I toyed with the idea of jacking my prices way up to punish the poor souls of my future, but decded to sit pretty for now.  I realize that if you are giving someone something for free then they don't always see value in it so you run a risk of being screwed.  The problem is, I dont have any clients on the books and I really love taking pictures, so I want to be out there doing it!

As you already saw (thanks for the comments- I heart them more than you know) I have come up with a cool way to dress up my business cards.  I also went to a store in The Camp in Costa Mesa that totally inspired my crafty side, so I may be launching my etsy site this week.  Or at least getting some stock created for it.

So, that's me.  I really like this blog and that I am becoming closer to each of you through it.  Just saying.

Stretegy #2

When I am trying to think through a problem (i.e. my current thesis statement dilemma) I begin in a monologue. But that goes no where fast. So the thinking evolves into an inner dialogue. And that's when things start to heat up.

Tasha's Strategy #2: One should embrace the multiplicity of voices populating the mind when engaged in the creative process. This must not be mistaken for schizophrenia. In most cases.

Great Strategy for Productivity Enhancement

My favorite way to secure a productive evening is to cancel fun plans.

"Sorry, Amy & Larissa, I can't come to the international student dinner after all. I have too much homework. Oh, and I can't continue on to the salsa dancing club either. Yeah, that's right, Tasha Kolar is actually bailing on an opportunity to twirl."

"No, Jessie & Peter. I can't go to Local 16 for beers & bumpin. I have to write this project proposal. I know it's Friday night, but I have to."

Yeah, that's how my night went. Sigh. So much fun to be had, but I'm sitting on the couch searching Amazon for a suitable bibliography & listening to the Lykke Li Pandora station. It's been super productive tho! (As long as my prof approves of my topic... I failed to make an appt w/ her pre-proposal-due-date. Oops.)

Try the strategy out if you can bring yourself to it!

Early-Onset Insomnia

1am.

I tried going to sleep. I read for a while – Half the Sky, for class, and after just the introduction (“The Girl Effect”), I’m convinced each of you wants to read it. I’m not kidding, find a copy in Borders and read the introduction.

But it didn’t help me sleep. I sneakily cuddled with my sleeping husband… but didn’t doze. Twenty minutes and Joe half woke up; I rolled back to my side.

I can’t believe the insomnia is already here. Fall semester, it came in the final month. It’s now the second week.

Everything changed this month. My routine. My workload. The amount of time I see my husband.

I’m used to working hard, churning out, contributing. But internships are for soaking in. I spent the first freezing day of my internship interviewing marchers for life on the Mall. Kids who were raised believing life starts at fertilization. The Archbishop of St. Louis. College kids shouting, “Your MOM chose life!”

Since then I’ve stuck close to the office, following interesting people, asking leading questions so they’ll pull back the curtain of their jobs and let me learn.

Interesting, yes. Productive, in a way. But I’m going a little crazy. Let me edit this piece on government spending. Let me read the tag into the camera for News Channel 7 On Your Side in Jacksonville (and back to you, Leslie). Let me interview the Director of the Congressional Budget office on camera. Yes, yes, these are way over an intern’s head. But I want a role here. Other than observer.

So, I’m adjusting, as you can see. And I’m watching a lot of TV at work.

But I’m jittery. I can’t sleep. I get annoyed at one of my groupmates in documentary class. I freak out over choosing story topics.

If there’s one thing I should remember from last semester, it’s that everything comes together.

I just can’t see it yet.

Account Ability

This check-in post always seems to happen right after I hang up the phone with my brother Eames. He functions as my other half in the creative process. (I think I have effectively stopped nightmaring about his death. And am focusing on appreciating his pulse. Which is good.) He made my day yesterday, when he texted to suggest we start helping our youngest brother, Sean, with SAT prep via group skype... and make weekly conference calls to our nana & g-ma/g-pa. Awww, isn't he sweet? I accused him of turning into Michael Bluth, which is quite possible because he's been marathoning Arrested Development lately. Like I have been marathoning Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip. It is my soulmate of a TV show. I have never loved a series with more of my heart muscle. I would marry it, if I had to marry a TV show. Have you seen it? It's on Hulu. The theme of The Creative Process is at the core of its winning premise. Checkitout if you feel the spirit move you. Can't say it helps me in my journey away from Procrasti, though...

***Commercial Break***
I find it challenging not to start every sentence in a blog with the pronoun "I." I am constantly finishing a sentence, and then going back and changing the beginning. I make that my personal challenge - to start most sentences NOT with "I." I have ignored that instinct during this commercial break to prove how annoying it feels to start every sentence with an "I." And scene.

So...

1. Eames is going to get back to me tomorrow on the quote for a prototype for our bible verse in the shower stickers.

2. He decided to co-write the rest of my screenplay, and is going to try to establish a system in which we are both seeing the same computer screen & can write together while I'm in DC and he's in LA.

3. My professor is finally sending me her feedback tomorrow morning. I kindly cornered her after class tonight. She said the words "It's a good paper. You'll be fine for the ESRI Conference." She implied I wouldn't be fine for a non-student-research venue, and confessed all proposals are accepted. But she said it was a good paper. Clinging to that.

4. My uncle is coming to pick up all my cousin's furniture & decorations from our apartment, so she can move home to CA. Which means I will need to do some art projects to put on these walls... I have a 3'x5' hardboard I want to paint & graffiti write some of those Oblique Strategies @ creativity onto. That is my first step. More decorating projects to come.

5. My classmate Justin agreed to partner with me and prepare an analytical response to a case study for a contest. If it's acceptable, we will present our response via PowerPoint at the ESRI conference, and answer panel questions. Scary but exciting. My comfort zone continues to expand...

6. The Volunteer Coordinator position for GW's International Education Association became open last week, and I was elected to fill it. New responsibility. I hate responsibility. Avoid it at all costs. At least I used to. This is the new me. Full of energy and hope and excess initiative.

7. I skyped w/ Eames & Steve about their screenplay, they revised it, and I will read the new copy this weekend before a second round of edits.

8. I need to come up with questions for my interview w/ Eric @ One World Education on Friday. The goal is to write an article about the curriculum this org develops for a homeschool mag. It's time (tomorrow) to research potential magazines to query & other articles published about OWEd.

Broad Strokes

I feel embarrassed about that giant post, am almost ready to take it down.

In the last week or two I made frantic notes toward a story I have been mulling for maybe a year now.  I thought of a way to combine it with elements of a creative nonfiction essay I wrote two years ago for a workshop class.  People liked the essay but lamented its plotlessness.  This story has a plot but felt fakey to me.  So if I combine the two... !

I have been working like a mofo on my painting.  Cutting out letters for it.  It is a big canvas of words - first I was going to use these rubber stamps with paint - but the quality control was verrry iffy.  So then I fretted about it, went to sleep not knowing what I'd do, and woke up the next morning knowing, somehow - I printed all my sentences in 100pt font, mirror image, and then painted the backs of the pages different colors.  I am in the process of cutting out each letter, and then I will glue them all to the giant canvas I bought and painted midnight blueblack!  Perfect.  It is somehow not irritating to cut out all the little holes in letters.  I have put my headphones on and done it very blissfully.

OH the show that this painting is going to be in was generically titled "Women in Art" before, but is as of today titled... BROAD STROKE: WOMEN IN ART.  Yesssss. 

Also today at work I brainstormed etsy shop ideas. 

I'm happy with what I've accomplished.  I made myself a painting of a Yoko Ono quote.  I promise I will post a picture of it soon.

Oblique Strategies

From this website, courtesy of Brian Eno and a bunch of other people:
___________

Accept advice


Work against your better judgement

Ask your body

Be dirty

Breathe more deeply

Courage!

Cut a vital connection

Decorate, decorate

Discard an axiom

Do something boring

Don't break the silence

Don't stress one thing more than another

Emphasise differences

Emphasise the flaws

Give the game away

Give way to your worst impulse

How would you have done it?

Is it finished?

Just carry on

Listen to the quiet voice

Look at the order in which you do things

Repetition is a form of change

Reverse

Simple subtraction

Tidy up

Turn it upside down

Use an old idea

Use filters

Water

What mistakes did you make last time?

What would your closest friend do?

What wouldn't you do?

Work at a different speed

You don't have to be ashamed of using your own ideas

Take away the elements in order of apparent non importance

Remove ambiguities and convert to specifics

Make an exhaustive list of everything you might do and do the last thing on the list

Make a sudden, destructive unpredictable action; incorporate

Look closely at the most embarrassing details and amplify/magnify them

Humanise something free of error

Honor thy error as a hidden intention

Don't be frightened to display your talents

Don't be frightened of clichés

Don't avoid what is easy

Distort time

Discover your formulas and abandon them

Disconnect from desire

Destroy the most important thing

Define an area as 'safe' and use it as an anchor

Change nothing and continue consistently

Are there sections? Consider transitions

Remove a restriction

Abandon normal instructions

Which elements can be grouped?

What are you really thinking about just now? Incorporate

Make a blank valuable by putting it in an exquisite frame

Trust in the you of now

Use an unacceptable colour

Cascades 

Emphasise repetitions

Fill every beat with something

Ghost echoes

Go slowly all the way round the outside

Infinitesimal gradations

Into the impossible

Mechanicalise something idiosyncratic

Use fewer words

What is the reality of the situation?

You can only make one dot at a time

Intentions -credibility of -nobility of -humility of

What are the sections sections of? Imagine a caterpillar moving

Imagine the piece as a set of disconnected events

Faced with a choice, do both

Convert a melodic element into a rhythmic element

Do the washing up

Get your neck massaged
Put in earplugs

Spectrum analysis

Tape your mouth

Twist the spine

Be extravagant

Disciplined self-indulgence

Always first steps

Not building a wall but making a brick

It is simply a matter of work

The most easily forgotten thing is the most important

Move towards the unimportant

Idiot glee (?)

It is quite possible (after all)

Lost in useless territory

Revaluation (a warm feeling)

Always give yourself credit for having more than personality

Only a part, not the whole

Retrace your steps

Be less critical

Go to an extreme, come part way back

From nothing to more than nothing

Make it more sensual

Slow preparation..fast execution

Think - inside the work -outside the work

When is it for?

How would someone else do it?

Try faking it

What to increase? What to reduce? What to maintain?

Where is the edge?

Is the style right?

Use something nearby as a model

What is the simplest solution?

Gardening, not architecture

Make something implied more definite (reinforce, duplicate)
______________________________________________

I apologize for the length of this post. 

I made a small painting of one of my favorites of these today: It is a light orange background with light blue letters that spell: "Don't avoid / what is easy".  I used these clear rubber stamp letters that I bought and didn't end up using for a different project. 

If any of these strikes any of you as particularly helpful, I will make you a painting of it.  Just pick one and paste it into the comments and then... send me your address in a message on Facebook... and I will happily make you a painting of it.  You can even request what colors you'd like.

(Is me doing this a form of procrastination?  May be.  But.  Using art projects to procrastinate is like... the only acceptible form of procrastination, in my book.  As long as it doesn't get out of hand.  Like, I am not posting this on Facebook and offering to make paintings for all 200 of my friends on there.)

The Rundown

Getting excited about some class projects... Mainly in trying to think of how I can use/market them in the real world.

1. My partner, Audra, and I have been talking about ideas for our cross-cultural training program. We are psyched on the idea of designing a program for international college/grad students called Academic Integrity in U.S. Universities. She is a Ph.D. student @ American University, and very ambitious, so we would ideally market the training to colleges/universities in the area to present during their int'l student orientations. We would also ideally present at the GWU orientations (which I am responsible for planning in my current job).

2. Mallie & I talked about making a documentary for our final class projects (in my global citizenship class & her doc filmmaking class). Kind of a longshot, but could be AMAzing.

3. I have to write an institutional profile for my global citizenship class, and would like to talk to my prof about letting me write an article instead to submit to a local paper or an education magazine. I found an organization I really like (oneworldeducation) and almost interned there this spring, but instead set up an informational interview with the director for next Friday.

4. For that same class, I would like to maybe write an essay/book proposal exploring how global consciousness has been nurtured in students within Christian education institutions throughout history. The main focus would be how it is being approached today. focus on missions work? global citizenship? anti-environmentalism? global politics (pacifism v. war on axis of evil)? But that would necessarily be informed by the evolution of Christian global education.

Also, I now know I need to write another 50 pages-ish of my screenplay to make it feature length. I'm toying w/ the idea of begging my brother to sign on as my co-writer and Git'er'Done. Or I just need to wait until I graduate. There's just not time right now to take that on. I could notecard this semester though.... that could be good. I actually wrote the whole thing I have right now in 2 days, after notecarding for 3 months. Hmmm... that could work. =) It's so fun to fall asleep with potential scenes in a comedy playing on the movie screen of your mind.

Also, I decided to give up on waiting for my Prof to write me back. This is an educational academic conference. I will be getting feedback from the panel I am submitting my paper to. The essay is an essay. It's not a Mona Lisa, and that's ok. If it doesn't get revised before submission, I believe it will still have merit. Ahhh, peace.

Lastly, I will be videoconferencing w/ my brother & Steve this afternoon on their smutty college town horror script. I'm excited. I love being involved in the creative process WITH people. =) I hope to collaborate on a project with each of you at some point in my life, because I deeply respect your art. Brava.

Anxiety Tries to Send Me Back to Procrasti

I'm tweaking a little. My ESRI Conference paper is due next Friday so I need to fix it all up this week (among other things) but am all anxious & unconfident. I've been waiting on feedback from my prof, but all I've gotten so far is "Yeah, it didn't turn out how I expected. I'll email your some comments." But she hasn't emailed me, and it's been many moons. I got a 95% on the paper, so I felt really good about it. Now I'm under the impression it's a waste of paper & needs to be completely reinvented (but how? I wish she'd tell!). I feel like I can't start editing till I get her comments... but time is running out! What to do, what to do!?

Monday, Monday

Did you guys ever hear Mrs. Miller?  Now I can't get her version of that song out of my head!

I have lots of progress to report for this last week.  First of all, I had a 2nd interview for a potential job today and a 3rd scheduled for Thursday.  It would be basically doing the same as I was doing before, but working from home 4 days a week (and commuting to La Jolla 1 day).  AND I would make about $7,000 a year more.  Stoked!  I love the idea of working from home because I think it would give me more flexibility to continue to pursue my passions of photography and sitting on the couch with Davey Pickle curled on my lap.

Secondly, I taught myself enough of Photoshop this week to re-brand the website!  I think it is SO MUCH MORE ME!  I liked the white one, but not totally and I didn't think it represented my personality at all.  I also learned a lot about myself because I was asking friends and family how they viewed me and my photography. 

I was planning on going with a very earthy, "rainy day spent under a tattered quilt" organic look for the blog but ended up with something a little more "Mexican beach on a rainy day" look.  Which is funny because I wasn't planning on that look, but my house is decorated way more like that and it came naturally so I trust that it is my personality.

I also learned how to get rid of the "undefined undefined" thing that was on every post.  Huzzah!
This is probably a really boring post to anyone whose not me.

I couldn't find Mrs. Miller's "Monday, Monday" on Youtube, but here's "Act Naturally" to liven up this post. 



Happy Monday!

Give & Take

Ok, this is kind of cheating, but I made some progress! (i.e. My friend Steve just wrote a treatment of my screenplay & gave me a lot of feedback!) I'm trying to decide now whether to flesh it out and add about 50 pgs to make it a feature length script (it's only about 50 now), or cut out some subplots and make it a TV pilot.

I don't want to write any details about it on here, because I'm paranoid someone will steal my baby. But Nicole if you have any thoughts, email me? I know you know the script by heart ;) Mallie, what do you think? Erin, I know you are already inundated w/ my fiction, so you're off the hook, but maybe one day you'll read it. Speaking of which, send me some of your work to read, Little Miss Makeup!

I just had to post this because I am so excited. Sometimes in order to get something done, someone else needs to get something done. So procrastination, in my life, often involves Failing to Ask People for Help. But this time I asked, and Steve did me a huge favor. But I must also take this moment to honor the Pay It Forward Method (I heavily edited a script Steve & my brother wrote last year, and now Steve has returned the favor). Generosity will be rewarded. And if it's not, that's okay too, because it makes your soul lovelier!

Our Boys on Procrasti

Procrastination is a lot like masturbation.
It feels good at the time
But in the end, you're just fucking yourself.
-Joe

Procrastination is the natural assassin of opportunity.
-Bruce

Successful Friday!

Goals for Friday:

1. Edit TASER article, find a new ending…

DONE!! Thanks to Tasha for the company and encouragement at Peregrine Espresso... I emailed the first page to my contact at the Washington Post (Style Section), so hopefully she'll receive it on Monday! I also emailed the article to the subject of the story - my friend Natalie. She says she liked it! Check that off the list for now! Just got to wait to hear back from my contact... then potentially pitch it to the Hill Rag if it's a no.

2. Edit/rework California Donor Transplant Network stories

Ummmm... no. A little overwhelmed by this one. I need to start with one per day. Maybe I'll get up early.

3. Finish my thank-you notes for wedding gifts (I’m late)

SO DONE! HOORAY!

Bonus: Finished what I could finish on some paperwork that may open some doors for a side job later. Procrastination was the name of the game for this one, so I feel relieved to make such headway!

Thanks for the moral support, Writing Community! Seriously - wouldn't have been nearly as productive a day without you. I feel MUCH better going into the semester.

Kolarova #2

Don't see myself having a chance to post this weekend, so thought I dial it in now.

My brother's contact who owns a printing company can't make us a prototype of our project, but is checking elsewhere for us. I'll check in with Eames next Friday to see if he's made progress.

I sent my screenplay to a friend who is a scriptreader/writer, Steve. He said he'd help me out w/ a treatment & give me ideas on how to get it "out there." Also talked to my friend Adam about it, who told me it needs to be 2x as long to be a feature length script, which I already knew but was kind of in denial about. He told me to shorten it a little and make it a TV pilot. THEN, to try to go through contacts to find someone Holywoody to champion it, and get it read. So I guess that's my plan. Eek. Mallie agreed to read it and help me re-work it into a pilot. Hopefully soon before the semester swamps us.

I spoke with my advisor briefly about the essay I'll be presenting. It was slightly disheartening. All I got was "It didn't turn out how I thought it would." And she's really busy & doesn't know when she'll be able to fit me in. Sigh. I'm hesitant to rework it before I TALK to her more, so I plan to get AHEAD in all my coursework so I'll have time in early Feb to work on it & the PowerPoint prez.

Therefore I aim to devote this week to figuring out which of 3 internships to do for the semester, and getting ahead in my coursework.

Blessings to you ladies who make me feel well. Exhale.

You Have a "Genius"

http://www.ted.com/talks/elizabeth_gilbert_on_genius.html

This talk is encouraging to me, as I strive to be a diligent writer.

That being said, I am a bit into Eat, Pray, Love and don't like it yet. I still respect the author's powers, perspective, and commitment to the craft though.

Marguerite Duras, exceprts from the essay "Writing"

The only judgement Raymond Queneau ever pronounced [on her writing] was this sentence: "Don't do anything but write."

Writing was the only thing that populated my life and made it magic. I did it. Writing never left me.

To be without the slightest subject for a book, the slightest idea for a book, is to find yourself, once again, before a book. A vast emptiness. A possible book. Before nothing. Before something like living, naked writing, like something terrible, terrible to overcome. I believe that the person who writes does not have any ideas for a book, that her hands are empty, her head is empty, and that all she knows of this adventure, this book, is dry, naked writing, without a future, without echo, distant, with only its elementary golden rules: spelling, meaning.

This is what makes writing wild. One returns to a savage state from before life itself. And one can always recognize it: it's the savageness of forests, as ancient as time. It is the fear of everything, distinct an inseparable from life itself. One becomes relentless. One cannot write without bodily strength. One must be stronger than oneself to approach writing; one must be stronger than what one is writing.

A writer is an odd thing. He's a contradiction, he makes no sense. Writing also means not speaking. Keeping silent. Screaming without sound. A writer is often quite restful; she listens a lot. She doesn't speak much because it's impossible to speak to someone about a book one has written, and especially about a book one is writing. It's impossible.... Because a book is the unknown, it's the night, it's closed off, and that's that. It's the book that advances, grows, advances in directions one thought one had explored; that advances toward its own fate and the fate of its author, who is annihilated by its publication; her separation from it, the dream book, like the last-born child, always the best loved.

I think that what I blame books for, in general, is that they are not free. One can see it in the writing: they are fabricated, organized, regulated; one could say they conform. A function of the revision that the writer often wants to impose on himself. At that moment, the writer becomes his own cop. Bt being concerned with good form, in other words the most banal form, the clearest and most inoffensive. There are still dead generations that produce prim books. Even young people: charming books, without extension, without darkness. Without silence. In other words, without a true author. Books for daytime, for whiling away the hours, for travelling. But not books that become embedded in one's thoughts and toll the black mourning for all life, the commonplace of every thought.

Every book, like every writer, has a difficult, unavoidable passage. And one must consciously decide to leave this mistake in the book for it to remain a true book, not a lie.

I often find others' books "clean," but often as if they derive from a classicism that takes no chances. Inevitable would probably be the word. I don't know.

Personally, I'm like everyone else. I don't believe anyone ever turned around to look at me in the street. I am banality itself. The triumph of banality.

We never throw out flowers in this house. It's a habit, not a rule. Never, not even dead ones; we leave them there. There are some rose petals that have been in a jar for forty years. They are still very pink. Dry and pink.

It's the unknown in oneself, one's head, one's body. Writing is not even a reflection, but a kind of faculty one has, that exists to one side of oneself, parallel to oneself: another person who appears and comes forward, invisible, gifted with thought and anger...

If one had any idea what one was going to write, before writing, one would never write. It wouldn't be worth it anymore.